


-"I'm sorry..." RusAme (CountryHumans)

by ColdLikeMyWinterSoul



Category: Country Humans - Fandom, CountryHumans, Rusame - Fandom
Genre: Amephil - Freeform, CountryHumans - Freeform, F/F, F/M, Gen, Gerpol - Freeform, Highschool AU, M/M, RusAme, ameripan - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-22
Updated: 2019-07-31
Packaged: 2020-03-09 17:31:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,268
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18921751
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ColdLikeMyWinterSoul/pseuds/ColdLikeMyWinterSoul
Summary: "If you kill me, I'd still love you..."I don't know what to put here, but here's a story about RusAme. If you don't like the ship thats okay, there are a bunch of other ships I go into detail on them. But also, there are a lot of sensitive topics, I do kill off characters and gore. Lots. Of. Gore. Any NSFW won't be detailed nor will there be a lot of it. Just a little bit here and there, but mostly Fluff at the romantic parts. There will be really long chapters, about 1,000 - 3,000 words per chapter on a good day.I will post as much as possible.!!!WARNINGS!!!Mental DisordersSuicidal Thoughts and ActionsMinor NSFWAbuseBullying/Cyber-bullyingCheatingSwearing (English + Russian)Horrible Russian SkillsTerrifyingly long chapters :)





	1. Friendships

Chapter 1:  
The final bell rung to finish the school day. Canada headed towards his locker, which just so happens to be right in the corner along with Ukraine’s locker. Canada moved out of the way for Ukraine to get to his locker first. “Here,” Canada said catching the pencil Ukraine dropped opening his locker. “You may need this.” Canada smiled at Ukraine handing him the fallen pencil. “Oh, thanks Canada.” Ukraine smiled back awkwardly and continued to put his books into his backpack. “Thanks again,” Ukraine said pausing for a second before continuing. “For, you know, my pencil.” Ukraine said with sheepishness in his voice. “Not a problem at all!” Canada said with his usual cheery voice. He opened up his locker, which smelt of Maple Syrup and gathered his things. He turned around to see Ukraine waiting for him. “Oh. I didn’t think you would wait.” Canada told. “Yeah, I surprise myself too.” Ukraine said jokingly.  
Ukraine and Canada have been close friends for quite a while, sometimes they would hang out at Canada’s house, which UK would not approve of, but he let it slide every now and then. “I have to go tell my brothers I’m walking home with you and America today.” Ukraine told Canada when he saw Russia and Belarus. Ukraine walked over them and told them what he just told Canada. “I’m going to walk home with Canada.” Ukraine told Russia and Belarus, purposely leaving out the part that America is coming with them to avoid Russia telling him off for hanging out with America, though they aren’t really hanging out because America and Canada live under the same roof. “Alright, just tell us if you're going to stay at Canada’s house.” Russia told Ukraine; Belarus nodded in agreement. “Okay all good!” Ukraine said rushing back over to Canada before they walked off to the school gate to get America.  
Russia knew Canada and America lived together since they were brothers. He didn’t bring it up since Ukraine looked happy to spend time with Canada. Ever since school got busier and time-consuming Canada and Ukraine stopped hanging out. It became just Russia and his siblings too. School gets crazy and time management for a good social life just crumbles away after a while. You only have time for those who live with you, at most. Sometimes school is way too much, and you’d just want to escape it all. That’s how Russia felt. School has been overly dramatic with the student body and there’s 1 to 3 test every week. Winter break is 3 weeks away and to Russia, it seems like time gets slower, and slower, and even slower. If that’s even possible at this point. You see, their school is different. They don’t have those 3 months off for ‘Summer Break’, they have 4 weeks off every season. Fall Break, Winter Break, Spring Break and Summer Break, which would all add up to 3 months, which to most people, would be their ‘Summer Break’. Russia and Belarus walked home as white, fluffy snow started to fall from the gray, cloud hazed sky. They talked about current relationship drama between China and Japan. “Really? I thought China really liked Japan?” Russia asked. “I guess he did,” Belarus responded. “But I don’t know why he would cheat on her with Vietnam.” Belarus said, getting a bit heated at the thought of ‘cheating’. “Wow, just… wow.” Russia continued the conversation. They continued to walk home talking about the drama until the snow started to pick up. “We should probably hurry up… Before папа (Dad) gets mad.” Belarus said and he started to walk faster soon turning into a run. Russia didn’t mind the snow, but Belarus was right. They really should hurry up, so Russia ran after Belarus.  
When Ukraine got to Canada’s house the snow was already coming down quite a bit, so Canada decided to let Ukraine stay over for the night since the snow showed that it was not going to let up any time soon. Ukraine pulled out his phone and called his Dad. “Привет папа.” (Hi Dad) … “Нет, нет, я в порядке.” (No, no, I’m fine.) … “Папа, Канада сказал, что я могу остаться.” (Dad, Canada said I can stay.) … “Хорошо папа.” (Okay Dad) … “Тоже тебя люблю.” (Love you too) … “Пока!” (Bye). “What did he say?” Canada asked, not knowing Russian. “He was okay with it.” Ukraine responded giving Canada a warm smile. Canada smiled back.  
“Was that Ukraine?” Russia asked his Dad. “да.” USSR or Soviet Union responded. He was sober and Russia could see that. He didn’t want to ask to many questions, but rather enjoy the moment since his Dad is rarely ever sober. He’s drunk most of the time and his common sense is basically killed when he is drunk. Surprisingly, USSR asked him a question. “How’s school?” He asked. “Huh? Oh. It’s fine, I guess. Just a lot of work.” Russia answered trying to be as honest as possible, but he decided not to get into it too much. “Just don’t over work yourself. I know I don’t seem like I care about you and your siblings, but I do. I care quite a bit.” USSR admitted, trying to find the old bond he had with his son when he was younger.

_Flashback 10 years ago. (Russia was 7). (He is currently 17 and soon to be 18 since Russia was founded December 25th)._  
_“Папа? (Dad)” Russia asked, with curiosity to his Dad. “Да (Yes), Russki?” USSR asked. “How come you hate Capitalist?” Russia asked. USSR could tell that it was just an innocent question. He has probably saw America and his brothers at school or overheard USSR talking about Capitalist. “That is something I should explain to you when you are older. It’s a complicated topic.” USSR told his son. He never really wanted to explain it to Russia. Nor did he want Russia to know about Capitalist. There is no way he can hide these things forever. He looked at his son in hope that he won’t have to explain the difficult subject. He looked at his son and smiled. Belarus and Ukraine came downstairs with their backpacks and shoes on ready to go to school. “Папа (Dad), we’re going to be late if we don’t go to school now.” Ukraine said. “Hm, okay. Let’s go.” USSR said as he picked up Russia and put him down. Believe it or not, Russia was really short when he was younger. Shorter than Belarus then._

America was chilling with Ukraine and Belarus when the snow reached the front door. “I don’t think we are going to have school tomorrow…” Ukraine said. “Same here, the snow is getting pretty high.” Canada added. America got up and walked to the window. He pulled open the window and stuck his head outside to see the snow better. A snowflake fell onto his nose and melted right away. He looked down at the ground and reached out with his hand to touch the snow. “What are you doing Ame?” Canada asked, staring at him in confusion. “I’m seeing how deep the snow is.” America answered, his voice muffled by the wall and window between the two brothers. His voice was still audible though. America reached his hand into the snow when he had a not so smart idea, but he thought it would be funny. He grabbed as much snow as he could and turned it into a snowball. His hand was blue and purple from the coldness of the snow since he wasn’t wearing gloves. He climbed out the window and looked back at Canada, hiding the ball of snow. “How deep is the snow?” Ukraine asked. “It was about up to my wrist.” America answered and then he looked back at Canada. He suddenly threw the snowball at Canada and the snowball hit him right in the face. “WHAT THE HECK?” Canada yelled as he wiped snow off his face. Ukraine and America were laughing hysterically at this. Snow was dripping onto the floor and onto Canada’s shoes. “Okay… okay.” America said trying not to laugh. “Let’s clean this up before dad gets back.” He continued trying not to look at Canada, so he doesn’t burst out laughing again. America and Ukraine went to get dry paper towels from the closet while Canada went up stairs to dry off his face.

Привет (Hello) wonderful reader! I just wanted to say thanks for reading my writing. I really like writing about my favorite ships, and I love adding tiny drama bits into my story that will come back around into the story later on~. Of course, in this story there will ships I don’t agree with but if you ship them, then you’d like those bits! Also, sorry if the Russian is wrong. I had to use google translate sometimes. If you could leave a kudo’s that would fabulous! Byeee!


	2. I Don't Want To Trust Him.

The next day was dark, grey, and cold. Very, very cold. So cold in fact that Russia felt cold in his, already freezing, room. It was -2F (Or about -20C for you Celsius users.) Russia pulled himself out of his bed and was met with a chilling cold. A cold that freezes you to the bone (Sans would be freezing by now. Okokimsorry). He grabbed one of the blankets laying on his bed and wrapped it around himself. He stood up and looked out his window. The snow was still falling, but not have much as it was the previous night. He glanced over to the clock. 6:28am. His family would still be asleep at this time, but Russia is used to waking up earlier than everyone else. There was always something nice about waking up before anyone else wakes up. Perhaps it’s the silence. Like the silence before the storm you could say. Once two people are awake, everybody else wakes up and then daily life routines start and that peaceful escape from reality is gone. He held onto these moments. Strangely enough, Russia liked these kinds of days. The cold ones. No need to go outside or face reality on days like these. No need to do anything on days like these. Just a nice break from the world. You can stay in your room all day and nobody has to bother you. Everybody would feel like that on a day like this wouldn’t they? Russia got back in bed and fell asleep in an instant.

America woke up to Canada and Ukraine laughing way to loud for 6:28 in morning. “What are you guys doing?” America asked, half asleep. “We were playing truth or dare!” Canada explained while drawing an owo on Ukraine’s face with washable marker. “Yeah! You should join us!” Ukraine said, still laughing from the cold marker touching his face. “I guess, but I’m tired...” America said. “Then this will wake you up!” Canada said grabbing America’s hand to pull him into his room. “Yeah, Meri’. You’ll wake up in no time!” Ukraine said, giggling of the silly dares he could make and purposely using one of America’s many, many, many nicknames his brothers and sisters call him. About an hour into playing Truth or Dare, Australia and New Zealand joined in. They had to keep quiet because their parents would still be asleep for about another hour. “Zea’, truth or dare?” Australia asked his little sister. “Dare!” New Zealand answered, determination in her eyes. Australia thought for a second before continuing. “I dare you… to go outside in the snow with only a T-shirt and shorts!” He gave her an evil grin. Any excitement in New Zealand’s face faded away in a scared look. “Aussie! That’s crazy! It’s too cold to even wear a hoodie and pants inside without freezing! She’ll freeze to death!” Canada explained. He grabbed his sister away from Australia, giving him a death stare. Of course, Canada couldn’t keep up the death stare and it quickly softened. “Okay okay… then America should do it!” Australia said, trying to keep up his dare. “WHAT?” America shouted. “Yeah! Pay back for throwing snow at me yesterday!” Canada agreed. Ukraine laughed at the thought and nodded his head in agreement. Zea’ kept giving Australia a glare for scaring her. “Okay, fine.” America finally gave in at stood up. He pulled off his hoodie and a gray t-shirt shown. Nobody payed any attention to the bandages on his arms. He ignored the last part of the dare to wear shorts. If he wore shorts, he would have defiantly gotten frost-bite. Ame opened the window that had a small balcony that was just there for decoration. He climbed out onto the balcony and look down at the snow. The dropped down wasn’t very far. Canadas room was on the first floor of the house and then they had a small porch, so the first floor was about 5ft off the ground. “Um, Ame, I don’t think jumping off is a good idea.” Canada said, sort of concerned at his brothers’ reckless ideas. “It’ll be fine Canada.” As he said that he jumped into the snow. It was unpleasantly cold. Canada was freaking out while Aussie and Zea were dying hysterically. Ukraine, being the only seemly calm one, climbed out onto the balcony and looked into the snow. He saw America face first in the snow. “Are you okay?” Ukraine called out. “Yeah! I’m fine! Just cold…” America pulled himself out of the snow. “It’s not that bad!” He said as climbed the tree next to Canada’s room. He and Ukraine went back inside where it was warmer. “You idiot!” Canada whisper-shouted remembering that his parents are most likely still asleep. “It wasn’t that bad though! Why don’t we put on clothing for this weather and go outside? It finally stopped snowing. Plus, the sun is rising.” America said in response, grabbing his hoodie and putting it on. “Why the heck not? Sounds like a good idea mate!” Australia agreed and picked up New Zealand. (I see New Zealand as a really young country, like a child.) Ukraine nodded and Canada mumbled an agreement.   
Belarus woke up Russia after he fell back asleep. “Russia! Wake up!” Belarus said shaking Russia. (I see Belarus around the same age as New Zealand…) “Huh…?” Russia asked, blinking from the light in his room. The sun was coming up. “It stopped snowing!” Belarus said, actually trying to drag Russia out of bed. He sat up and put on his Ushanka. He wears it all the time, even when it’s extremely hot outside. “I want to go outside, but I don’t think папа will like me going outside by myself…” She explained to her older brother. Russia thought for a moment. He didn’t really want to go outside, but he couldn’t say no to his younger sister he cared about a lot more than he would about other people. “I guess I can take outside…” Russia agreed, still not wanting to go outside. Belarus ran into her room to put on shoes and etc. While she was doing that, Russia finally got up. He put on a gray hoodie, that was oddly extremely fluffy on the inside, black jeans and shoes appropriate for the snow outside. Once he was ready, he went downstairs and saw Belarus sitting in front of the door. “If you sit in front of the door, someone might open it and hit you. You know, that right?” Russia asked. “Wait… Oh, you’re right.” Belarus said as she stood up, getting away from the door. “Anyway, let’s go.” Russia said, picking up his phone. He had a few texts from other countries here and there and YouTube notifications. While Belarus was running around in the snow, Russia followed behind a few feet, making sure she was okay, but he refused to run. Eventually they came close to Canada, America, New Zealand and Australia’s house. He could hear the brothers and Ukraine outside. “Belarus! You’re going to slip on the ice!” Russia called after his sister as she ran up to Ukraine, where there was ice on the ground. Just as he said that she slipped and fell forward. Luckily, New Zealand was right by her and grabbed her right before she hit her face on the icy ground. “Be careful Bel’.” New Zealand said. They were in the same grade, so they were already friends. “I’m a klutz…” Belarus admitted sheepishly as she got herself up. “…Sorry…” She said, clearly embarrassed for slipping so easily. “It’s fine!” New Zealand took a step back from Belarus and back to building the snowman Australia and himself were making. “Russia! Do you and Belarus want to hang out with us for a while?” Ukraine asked. Belarus was jumping up and down in the snow and attack New Zealand with snowballs she made in under 2 seconds. Seriously, that took skill. “I guess so… Belarus seems to be enjoying it.” Russia agreed. He didn’t like the fact that America was there. The American annoyed him way too much and pestered him whenever America got the chance. They were friends when they were younger, but they just couldn’t seem to get along and their friendship ended maybe a little bit too quick. America came up to the Russian and just stared at him. “What?” Russia questioned America’s odd behavior and practically spat the question at him. America glared at him. He wasn’t the nicest to Russia, and he wasn’t open minded to him. Nor was Russia to America. You could say they were at each other throats half to time. Mumbling, America respond to Russia’s cold question, but not with an answer, but more of a statement. “You’re lucky your siblings are here, otherwise I would have insulted you.” America said, extremely coldly. His words were filled with hate towards the Russian. “Oh, would you shut up already? Your voice gives me a migraine.” Russia responded to America’s ‘threat’. Canada saw what was happening and walked over. “Guys stop fighting for once! You’re always arguing and insulting each other! It’s so childish and isn’t a good influence on New Zealand and Belarus!” Canada had a point. Canada doesn’t usually get involve in his brothers and Russia’s arguments, but it’s been going on for years. Ukraine stepped in now as well and said, “Canada is right. How about instead of picking on each other, try to get along. Even if you just fake it, it might make a difference.”. America and Russia about sighed in annoyance at their siblings trying to make fix their relationship. “See! You both don’t like it when we get involved! You’re not that different!” Canada admitted, a little bit of hope in his eyes. “Canada! We will never be friends! Okay?” America sighed again and moved his sunglasses up a little bit and walked over to New Zealand. “He’s such a child…” Russia stated. Canada gave him a sympathetic stare. “Maybe, I can talk to him. Maybe try to soften his hate towards you, Russia.” Ukraine suggested. “If you want… I still hate him though.” He responded and crossed his arms. “Russia, I know you hate him but maybe if he stops being such a jerk to you, maybe he won’t seem as annoying towards you!” Ukraine implied and Canada continued, “Yeah! He’s actually really nice and I sure you remember what he was like before all those arguments started happening a few years ago…”. Russia thought about it for a moment. Should he really give him a chance? It’s really something that can’t be chosen overnight… He’d have to wait and see if their hate for each other calms down.  
That night America lay in bed thinking. Ukraine said somethings about Russia he thought could never be possible. But now that he thought back to when they were friends, he was that bad… He has the potential to be nice, if he warms up to you, but America couldn’t think of a reason to try to be his friend. Yes, America was willing to just leave him alone as long as Russia leaves him alone too, but being his friend again is just doomed to never happen. I guess he’d have to see if he can trust Russia again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not too proud about this chapter. I feel like I could have added more to the country’s personalities and relationships between them. I chose to leave it on a small cliffhanger. I don't like to leave cliffhangers... well... big cliffhangers. I like to leave small ones but, in this book, I'm planning to add some big cliff hangers. I am also going to try and post more since I only have about a week left of school, but then again, these chapters are over 1,000 words, getting close to 2,000 usually and chapters are only going to get longer. In summer it may take me a few days to type a full chapter, but I go back and change a lot of these to fit the plot more...Anyway, see you all soon. Bye!


	3. I Wish I Didn't Lock The Door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !!(This chapter continues Self-Harm and Gore)!!

Chapter 3:  
The next day at school was the same routine as usual. But one thing was different… America didn’t try to hunt down Russia just to bother him more with a few of his friends. He of course tried to avoid America all day. They share some classes so sometimes, avoiding him was inevitable. But one thing was different. One thing was off. America, never once, looked at Russia, talked to Russia, or even talked about Russia, at least from his understanding.  
“Has America bothered you today?” Ukraine asked Russia during lunch. “No, he has been avoiding me like I have been avoiding him.” He explained staring over at America’s table. He noticed he wasn’t there…. Strange.  
America closed the bathroom stall behind him, and he sat there, thinking. He didn’t want to sit with his brothers during lunch because of their dispute in the morning. He didn’t like the fact that Canada started dating Ukraine. He knew that Ukraine liked to bring his brothers with him in public and America always hung around Canada, meaning he’d have to deal with him.  
Clearly, America didn’t like Russia. He may have agreed to stop bothering Russia, but he won’t agree to stop hating him. That’s something else out of anyone else’s control.  
Not only that, but Canada is practically dragging him to hang out with Ukraine and his siblings to, “Try and fix things.”.  
“Oh c’mon! It’s not that bad Meri’!” Canada protested. America just shook his head in refusal. He did not… No. He would not go with Canada. America loved his brother a lot, but would he sacrifice the brother-brother relationship he had with Canada just because of his hate for Russia? Possibly. America gave it some thought. “Maybe I should go. I’ll just avoid Russia.” America thought to himself. But that morning he was not dealing with any of this crap. Canada begged and begged for him to go but America only snapped in respond and said some hurtful things to his brother, which he now regrets.  
Russia got up from his seat, “I’ll be right back.” He told his siblings and headed to the bathroom. Something told him that America was there sulking. He over heard Canada talking about what happened between America and him, and well, knowing America a little bit from when they were friends, he knew he would avoid Canada.  
Part of Russia wanted that friendship back, but he knew that won’t ever come back. Besides, it was his fault America hated him so much. It wasn’t like him to care about the American. And yet, he still walked in the bathroom, looked for a shadow from the lights above the stalls and found the stall America was in. He didn’t see his feet on the ground, so he stood on his tippy-toes and stared down at America who had his face buried in his legs that were pulled up onto the seat.  
“Hey.” Russia looked down at America, not showing any emotion in his gaze but talked to him like they were friends. America jumped and fell off the toilet.  
“Hey! What was that for?!” America shouted, still in shock from falling.  
“Just saying hi. What are you doing in here?” Russia asked simply, not really concerned about the American.  
“What if I was actually going to the bathroom?! That would have been beyond awkward, Russia!” America replied, ignoring Russia’s question.  
“I didn’t see your feet on the ground. Besides, you told me a few years ago you don’t like using the school bathrooms because their gross.” He said, casually like remembering such a random fact wasn’t anything special.  
“Whatever.” America got up, opened the stall and headed for the bathroom door.  
“Hey! Wait!” Russia turned around and grabbed America’s arm, which he quickly pulled away and winced in pain. Russia gave him a look of confusion and America looked away and held his wrist.  
“I got to go…” America said quietly and opened the bathroom door. Russia wasn’t having any of it and shut the door and pulled America away from the door. “Russia?” America asked, with aggression in his voice. Russia ignored him and pulled up one of America’s sleeves to reveal bandages.  
“What is this?” Russia asked, concern in his voice. He pulled off the bandages with care and saw America’s arms scared with cuts and bruises. His arm was practically a cutting board that was used for years. Any of their hate for each other slipped away in that moment and silence hung in the air, until the sounds of America crying filled the bathroom.  
“I-I’m s-sorry… I-I j-just…” America stuttered over his words. At that moment, any hate America felt towards Russia melted away to oblivion and he cried into Russia’s shoulder. Russia let him cry and cry while he quietly hushed America and brushed over his back in circles to comfort him.  
After the silence hung for a few minutes, America spoke up. ““I am… really sorry...”.  
“Sorry for what?” Russia asked with sympathy in his voice.  
“I’m sorry for doing that to myself…” He put the bandages back on and rolled down his sleeves. Russia put his hand on America’s shoulder, but America pushed him away. “We still aren’t friends.” America gave Russia a small glare.  
“I’m okay with that.” Russia answered simply, but he couldn’t suppress a small smile. “I’ll leave you be.”  
It’s clear Russia doesn’t hate America, or at least as much as America hates him.  
The bell rung for 7th period and Russia caught up to Ukraine and Belarus who were standing by the school gate. “Okay so, we all know I’m Pansexual right? Oh! Hey Russia.” Ukraine greeted his brother. Belarus greeted him as well and answered Ukraine’s question.  
“I was thinking. What if we guess another people’s sexuality while we walk home? Just for fun, you know?” Ukraine suggested.  
“I think that may be a bit… judgmental?” Belarus argued.  
“Well, it might be fun.” Russia agreed with Ukraine. Soon they were talking about sexuality and the LGBTQ+ community.  
“Belarus, what’s your identity?” Ukraine asked, hoping to start up the conversation again once it died down. Belarus looked at Ukraine confused for a second before understanding what he meant.  
“Oh um… Straight? I don’t know.” She looked down at her feet, now wondering what she identified as. Russia picked up on his younger sisters’ distress and went to her comfort.  
“It’s okay. I don’t really know either… I’d say I’m… Asexual. But, I’m not sure.” Russia comforted Belarus. Belarus looked up, feeling not as alone, but still, she wondered what she felt. Straight didn’t feel right.  
That night Belarus looked up herself in the mirror. You could say she didn’t feel right in own skin. “Is there something wrong with me? Maybe I should ask Ukraine. He knows a lot about sexuality.” Belarus thought to herself. She closed her door behind and knocked on Ukraine’s room.  
“Come in!” Ukraine shouted from inside his room. Belarus opened the door to Ukraine working on some sort of science project. Science was his favorite subject, Belarus remembered. Maybe because Canada really liked science and sat next to Ukraine in their class.  
“What are you working on?” Belarus asked, trying to avoid the question she wanted to ask Ukraine. Belarus would have asked Russia, but Russia doesn’t like to be bothered when their home.  
“Science project… Canada is working on one part while I work on the other. Then we’re going to put it all together and it’s going to be perfect.” He explained, biting his tongue before he could continue. “Anyway… Why are you bothering me?” He joked, “You never talk to me when we are home.”  
“I’ve been thinking… I don’t feel… like me, and well, you know a lot about sexuality… so…” Belarus started before being cut off.  
“Say no more, little sister! Come here and tell me everything!” Ukraine shouted putting emphasis on “everything”. Ukraine grabbed Belarus by her hands and practically forced her to sit down on a beanbag chair he had in his room he never used. “Tell me what’s going on again?”  
“Well… ever since you started talking about sexuality, I noticed I don’t feel comfortable as… well… um… a girl?” She started, “Oh god that sounds weird to say aloud…” She mumbled to herself. Ukraine gave her a thoughtful stare before a moment before smiling.  
“Ever heard of Transgender?” Ukraine asked. Belarus gave him a blank stare which he took as a ‘no’. “Well, today is you’re lucky day! Got any homework first?”  
“Not really…”  
“Perfect! Then your homework tonight is learning as much as possible about Transgender and see if it hits to home! Okay? Okay.” Ukraine spun around in his chair and pulled out a book from in his desk. It had a white background with a pastel rainbow across the front. It was a Pride book. “Read this. It helps.” Ukraine gave Belarus the book and smiled at her. Belarus hugged the book and thanked Ukraine and left.  
She slipped off her shoes as she sat on her bed and got herself into a comfortable position to read. She opened the book and started reading. Soon, she learned about LGBTQ+ and other genders plus gender roles.  
Gore Warning (Self-Harm):  
Russia locked the door behind him. For some reason. Some strange weird reason. A reason he couldn’t wrap his head around. Why as soon as he saw the cuts and scars on America’s wrist did he want to do it so badly? A chain effect perhaps? He swore to himself he would never do it… but he felt pressured to do it too. He looked around his bathroom for something sharp. He found a razor but taking that apart would be almost impossible since the blades practically a part of the plastic and the blades are smaller than a pencil. He left the bathroom to look for scissors on his desk he had when he saw a pencil sharper. It wasn’t one of those plastic cheap pencil sharpeners you’d buy at the dollar store, but a more expensive one that was just the sharpener. He stared at it, regretting his life decisions. But… despite his morals and wits letting him too not reach out and grab it. Too not grab the screwdriver and unscrew the tiny little screws that held the blades in the sharpener. Too not lock himself in the bathroom…  
Too not roll up his sleeves…  
Too not pull the blade up against his skin…  
Too not push the blade into his arm…  
Too not drag the blade down his arm.  
…  
Too not let his vision turn to black.  
Slowly. Ever so slowly his blood seeped from the thin cuts that went from 1 to 2 to 4 to 8 and to 16. Evermore the cuts were counting, and he couldn’t get a grip of himself. The pain was so relieving. For a second, any pain he felt was gone. He didn’t understand why people did this until he did it himself.  
“How smallminded I am…” He mumbled to himself remembering how he couldn’t understand why people did it.  
He watched as the blood went from the cuts to down his arm, then dripping onto the tile floor. He didn’t think to stop the bleeding since he was too caught up in relieving his mental pain. They were too much. They were far too deep. He felt his balance give away and he fell onto the floor. Surrounded by his own blood he couldn’t suppress a cry. He didn’t fully understand why. Now he wished he didn’t lock the door because when he started hysterically sobbing he heard his youngest sister, Belarus, at the door. A faint asking what was wrong soon turned into screaming to open the door from her worry. He heard Ukraine start to try and open the door and then he heard his Father. His heart sank. He knew his father cared about him the most. How pitiful it would be if he lost his first child. His first son.  
“Russia!? Open the damn door! Stop fucking around! You’re scaring the shit out of every single person here!” His father yelled. “Get up.” He told himself, but he couldn’t. He glanced at the small opening under the door. He was fairly close the door, but not enough to reach up and grab the door handle, but close enough that his pool of blood could reach the small opening.

USSR was terrified. His first son. He did something he shouldn’t have and now he’s not even answering anymore. The cries from his son stopped and it was quiet. It was way too quiet from the bathroom. He was about to tell Ukraine and Belarus to stand away so he can kick in the door when Belarus screamed. Belarus was pointed to the door. That’s when he saw blood. “Blood?! He couldn’t… he wouldn’t have.” USSR told himself. He looked around Russia’s room for a second and saw the bladeless pencil sharpener sitting on his desk. Russia’s Ushanka covered most of the bit but not enough for USSR to not see the sharpener.  
Ukraine called an ambulance when his father kicked open the door. He still remembered how terrifying the sight was. Ukraine told Belarus to leave. He knew Belarus cared so much about Russia. He knew Russia was Belarus’s favorite sibling. He was okay with that. Ukraine was the middle child and he didn’t care if he was a favorite or not. Belarus insisted on staying with Russia, but Ukraine picked her up and put her in her room.  
“Stay in here okay? You don’t need to see this.” Ukraine told his younger sister. She tried to leave but Ukraine started to tear up and beg her not to look at their older brother. Ukraine knew, even though he didn’t see him yet, that this wasn’t going to be a pretty sight. Belarus finally agreed and went back to reading her book.  
Ukraine went back into Russia’s room and looked in the bathroom. It was worse than he thought.  
Blood. Blood covered the floor, Russia, and his father USSR. The small glimmer of silver from the blade resting on the floor surrounded by blood glistened like everything was fine. It wasn’t fine. It won’t ever be fine. Never. Never again. Russia’s arms where drowned in blood and his clothes were covered in blood too. USSRs clothes started to get blood on them as he held Russia trying to wake him up.  
Ukraine grabbed his phone out of his pocket and called an ambulance. They were here in under 5 minutes.

Dear Diary,  
I have no words to describe what just happened. It was horrific. I’m in the hospital right now as doctors and nurses are fighting for my brother’s life. Well, Russia. My oldest brother, not Ukraine. Ukraine came into my room after about 15 minutes and drove us to the hospital and gave me little information about what happened. It was because I’m only in elementary school. All Ukraine told me was that Russia hurt himself and he needed to be hospitalized. It’s been 40 minutes now and we still haven’t heard anything about Russia. I don’t know what to do, I just want him to be okay… I can’t lose my brother. He cares so much about me and I don’t know what’d happen to Ukraine or Father if he’s gone. I don’t think he knows how much we all care about him. Maybe that’s why he avoided us. Sometimes I feel like I barely know anything about him. He’s very bi-polar. Maybe he just doesn’t want us to know what’s going on in his head. I just wish he’d be with us more, because now I might not even be able to say goodbye.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I honestly have no words to describe what I just wrote. I wrote a lot of this chapter in school today and I was super jumpy while writing the self-harm part because I was surrounded by people. I honestly, wasn’t prepared to write such a dark chapter. A lot of stuff happened, and I hope you’re not confused. If you have any questions about what’s going on, I can answer them, just I will not give spoilers or answer anyone who ask what’s going to happen. You’ll have to read and find out~. I’m proud of this chapter and I’m happy I got into their personalities more, even thought I focused on the Slavic family’s personalities and I hope that can help you get attached to them. If there is something I want to work on for my writing that I have been trying to work on for a while now would be character development and attachment. I think I’m getting the hang of it and I’m really liking how this book is coming together and the plot is starting to unravel. Also! I finally got to show you all how dark this book can get, but that’s only part of it.  
> I like to write this book in Microsoft Word so I can keep count of how many words and pages this book is at the end and I write it all in one document. Currently this whole book so far is 6332 words and 12 pages. This chapter is 2900. Yes, exactly that number. Satisfying? Yes. Very. I got this chapter out faster than the last one too! I am also almost done school. Tomorrow is my last academic day and Thursday is a field day, which is basically we go out onto the field and play sports and games. Friday is an award day and then I have summer! I’m kind of nervous summer and I don’t know why. But anyway, I really want to post this, but I have one more thing… Thank you so much for 200+ Hits and 15 Kudos! I never expected so many! So, thank you so much! Ich liebe dich! (I love you!)  
> (By the end of paragraph of me talking this chapter is now over 3,000 words)


	4. He's Not Gone...Right?

Chapter 4:

He woke up with a massive headache. What? Did he drink again or something? He opened his eyes and was greeted with a blinding light. This wasn't his room. He blinked a few times to stop the blinding light in his eyes and looked around. A hospital. It was rather dark besides light above him and the nurse checking the monitors hooked up to him. There were wires and a breathing mask on his face so he could breathe. His whole body felt numb. He realized he couldn't exactly breathe. What's keeping him breathing is the mask on his face. 

He looked over to the nurse and the nurse noticed he was awake. "Ah, your awake. Try to focus on breathing and go back to sleep. It's late, okay?" The nursed directed. Russia nodded and tried to go back to sleep but his head was in too much pain. The nurse soon left and the lights went out. He laid there in silence. His head started to get a fuzzy and before he knew it, he was out cold.

"He's in a Coma." The nurse said examining the monitors the following morning. "Get him on life support and we need his family, or someone who can get insurance... Quickly!" The assistant nurse rushed out of the room to the front desk while a flood of doctors and higher up nurses check up on him and set him on Life Support. 

"Keep the machine going so he can breathe. The amount of blood he lost slowed his heart rate to much and his brain is running on little to no oxygen, leading to his body to barely function." A doctor explained. "At this rate, he could become a vegetable. We need to stimulate his body and get his heart rate up, otherwise, he... he could die." 

A while later Russia's siblings came in and spoke to him, hoping he could hear them. His father, USSR, was outside the room while a Nurse explained the situation to him. 

"Russia? Don't go away...please." Belarus said, tears forming in her eyes. 

"He won't leave us. I promise." Ukraine told her and wrapped her up in a hug. Their father soon came into the room. He was quiet. He moved next to Ukraine and Belarus. He held his son's hand and looked at the bandages on his arms. They'd have to be replaced soon, the blood was visible. 

"It's surprising how so much blood loss could lead to this..." USSR spoke at last.

"What do you mean... 'to this'? Is he dead?!" Belarus shouted. Tears streaming down her face.

"No. No. No he's not dead. He won't die. Belarus, he's your oldest brother, he'll make it through this." USSR told her. Belarus's eyes glowed with hope for a moment before going back to it's dullness. 

"W-what happened to him?" Belarus asked. USSR looked at her and thought for moment.

"He was playing around with sharp objected like he shouldn't have been." USSR explained. He couldn't tell her about self-harm. She's too innocent. 

Ukraine continued, "So, don't ever play with sharp objects, okay?" He asked. Belarus nodded and smiled at her father and her brother. 

"Will do." 

Days passed and his condition wasn't getting any better. Every day his family would come to visit and they talked to him. He could hear them, and no matter how hard he tried he couldn't even move his toes, fingers, or even breathe on his own. "Please, please work body. Why won't anyone notice I'm trying to speak to everyone. I'm here...please." He begged, of course, he couldn't say any of that. He couldn't even open his eyes. He overheard the doctors saying that they might have to take him off life support if things don't get better. They're afraid his brain is taking major brain damage from this event. Though, he knows, they're wrong. He's completely fine. At least, he thinks so. Well, he can think properly and still can understand what people are saying. 

"At least, he might just be blind from the lack of blood going to veins in his eyes leading the veins to die out. We may have to do surgery in the future if he... survives. But not only that, but when he collapsed he hit his head on the floor. Not hard enough to break anything, but enough to damage his brain, and it might have hit where he can see, but it can also cause brain damage." The doctor explained to a nurse outside the room. Unfortunately, they forgot to close the door so Russia could hear them. 

"So that's why my head hurt so bad when I woke up..." Russia said. Of course, he can't actually speak due to the coma. He could feel the heat from the sun shining through the window. It was morning, and finally not cloudy. Russia basically gasped to himself because he could finally feel something, and out of everything it was heat..! That had to be a good thing. He's finally being able to have hope for himself. Let's see.... It's been a week and he can finally feel. How long will it be before he can move? Time could only tell. In the meantime, he might as well go over what he knows of learning Icelandic. Icelandic is a pretty dead language so it's hard to learn but, he thought it would be interesting to learn. It's not far of from the English pronunciations, which he is fluent in. 

News about Russia being in the hospital from self-harm soon spread around the school, eventually reaching America. He felt so bad. He must have put the idea into Russia's head. Or maybe he made Russia want to know what it felt like. He should say sorry, he thought to himself. But he would never be able to work up the courage to go to his hospital room, but, he really should, even though Russia won't be able to hear him. "Okay..." He thought to himself, "My decision is final. I'm going to go say sorry to him." So, keeping to his commitment, after school he walked all the way to hospital. He asked what room Russia's was and was given a 30 minute notice before visiting hours are over.

"Oh... Okay." He said simply, "I should try to come here faster next time...if there even if a next time." He thought to himself as he walked towards to elevator. Russia was on floor 4, room 206. He slid open the glass door and stepped in. Thankfully, no body else was there. He stood there for a moment just looking at the Russian, not sure of what to do. 

"H-hey Russia... It's me... America." He mumbled at first. He looked down at his shoes and shifted forwards. "I know you can't hear me but, I just wanted to say that... I'm sorry..." He stepped towards the hospital bed and sat on his knee's. He started to talk about how sorry he was and that he thinks he's the reason Russia is in here.

"Russia, I'm so sorry... don't forgive me, I don't deserve forgiveness. I'd never mean to put anyone in a hospital..."

Russia wanted to tell him it was his own foolishness for even thinking it was okay. But, Russia knew he wouldn't be able to tell him yet that just yet. "I guess we both feel like idiots." Russia said to himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow. Hi- So I haven't updated this story in so long and I'm sorry- h a h- But I'm trying to update it more often :'). 
> 
> Anway...I don't ship this ship anymore that's part of the reason why I stopped updating it, but I'm going to update it anyway even if it makes me revolt back into my cave of RusGer (I'm sorry- h), but um- ok- bye-
> 
> OH WAIT- THANK YOU FOR 1K READS OML- HOW- THANK YOU X'D
> 
> Word Count: 1319


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